Independence and the Search for a Partner

Today is July 4th, Independence Day, and it has got me thinking about the importance of our personal independence as we search and seek to fill our lives with more love and deepen our relationships. There are many people out there that may feel like "independence" and "relationships" are mutually exclusive. I beg to differ. The more independence and freedom we have the more likely we are to explore and express who we truly are. The more we exude our true selves the more likely we are to attract people who will either support us or challenge us to further evolve as individuals. All this individuality and strengthened sense of self will actually attract love and community... and relationships. In a healthy relationship, there are three entities: each partner and the relationship itself. Each partner is responsible for themselves and for working on themselves in order to strengthen the relationship. If both partners are committed to self-growth then they are each doing their part to help the relationship grow and deepen.

As long as we keep our heart open and let our fears fall to the side we will be able to acknowledge how both independence and relationships can exist simultaneously (and how they can actually reinforce each other). We must have personal independence in order to make a relationship stronger and we must have relationships in order to push us to grow as individuals!

Kahlil Gibran said it best:

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

What is a Soul Mate? The Elusive Soul Mate Definition...

Ahhh... such an important question.  Well, just like most of the deepest questions (What is the meaning of life? or Is there a higher power?), the answer is subjective and dependent upon many variables.  In The Soul Mate Manifesto workshop/CD, I discuss some of the existing definitions of a Soul Mate.  I talk about the classical definition of soul mates from Greek mythology, the Celtic view of soul mates that has to do with Karma and past lives, and I even talk of a more realistic and pragmatic view of soul mates.  However, I stress that the only true definition of soul mate is one's personal definition.  For me... I believe that a soul mate is someone with whom you feel love, peace, and connection from the deepest level of your being... from your soul.  Think about the term "soul mate."  It is literally a mate: a partner... of your soul: your essential Self.  So, a soul mate relationship implies a profound connection.  

I believe you can more than one profound connection in your lifetime, and therefore you can have more than one soul mate relationship in a lifetime.  Each can teach you profound lessons of the heart.  I also believe that soul mates are not limited to romantic relationships.  They can be our family members, teachers, or friends, but romantic soul mates are the ones that teach us about intimacy, companionship, passion... and of course, romance.  But enough about what I believe, what do you believe defines a soul mate?

The Seasons of a Relationship...

Relationships go through phases just like the seasons, and each phase of a relationship can be related to one of the 5 seasons (In Chinese medical theory there are 5 seasons, instead of 4, because late summer is considered to be the 5th season).  The courtship phase, the beginning or birth of a relationship, is related to Spring, when things are unstable and excitable... hot and cold, up and down.  The passion phase, aka the honeymoon stage, is related to Summer, when things are at the height of joy and intensity.  The companionship phase, or the "warm blanket" stage, is related to late summer, when you settle into the comfort, warmth, and security of the relationship... nourished by friendship.  The letting go phase is related to Autumn, when the ideals and expectations of perfection (of the relationship and of your partner) fall away like the leaves from the trees and what is left is each partner as they really are.  Lastly, the phase of deep love is related to Winter, when a relationship intensifies and the connection deepens as the innermost layers and darkest sides of the couple are revealed... it is the stage of greatest intimacy because if you can stay committed through the Winter of a relationship then you can truly begin to understand unconditional love and a profound commitment.  

As we move through the phases of a relationship... we may find that there are certain phases in which we get stuck or have trouble even entering.  If you can discover in which phase you may be blocked... then you can work on acknowledging and releasing whatever it is that may be creating resistance to the natural flow of a relationship.  Give yourself the permission to stop repeating the same patterns.  What can you do differently to accept each phase of the relationship?