Why does it seem that love evades those who may desire it the most?

Rumi says that it is not our jobs to seek for love but to seek and find all the barriers that we have built against it. I could not agree more. Sometimes it may seem like you are doing all the "right" things to find love and you have the purest intentions, but you still keep hitting "dead-ends" and repeating the same patterns. Why might this be happening?

I thought I'd take a moment to offer some perspective on this phenomenon. Why does it seem that love evades those who may desire it the most?

1. The patterns we keep repeating in relationships are clues to where we may be blocked. They are lessons to be learned. Sometimes we get so caught up in the frustration when a pattern presents itself again and again that we forget we have the power to change that pattern. We step into the victim role. Maybe it's that we feel we are always left behind, maybe it's that we feel we never get as much as we give, or that we always end up fighting more than talking...or loving. Whatever the pattern may be... we are never victims. We can change any pattern by acknowledging that we can only control our own mindset, behaviors, words, intention. We are the common denominator in any pattern. So to change the pattern, we must change ourselves... but we must decide to change only for ourselves and to better ourselves...not to please anyone else. When we can take responsibility for our role in any heartbreak or disappointing relationship... that is when we take one giant step forward toward LOVE!

2. Each person we get involved with is helping us prepare for the next relationship. Sometimes we get so disheartened by the loss of one love, or the "failure" of a relationship, we fail to see how helpful that person may have been in propelling us closer to what we really want...an even deeper and more profound love. They may have simply showed us qualities that are not in alignment with what we value in a relationship or they may have been so close to "perfect" that it can actually validate how close we may be to finding our soul mate. Regardless of the lesson learned, it is important to see the beauty along the path and not get so attached to each stepping stone along the way.

3. Profound love is first found within ourselves. Often we are looking for someone else to give us something that we think will make us whole, as if we are not whole without that person or without a relationship in general. We get attached to the idea of something outside of ourselves. Ironically, it is when we let go of the need for someone else's love, while keeping our hearts open to the possibilities, we find the love that may have been evading us. Also, when we fill our hearts with self-love we are able to truly experience a profound love with someone else... and when we accept ourselves and let go of self-judgment we can accept our partner and give and receive unconditional love. It starts with appreciating the little things about ourselves, thanking ourselves, and taking care of ourselves.

Take the time this week to... 1. Look at the patterns that show up in your relationships-- what role do you usually play and how can you change that?; 2. Be grateful for all the loves and love interests that have crossed your path-- How have they added to your life?; and 3. Love yourself--What can you do to show thanks, love, and care for yourself?

You are beautiful, whole, and deserving of all the love in the universe. Remember that.

Buddha and Freud walk into a bar...

I have been thinking a lot lately about the integration of eastern philosophies/religions and modern psychology, and how the two can be blended together to help us navigate life, as well as guide us on our love and relationship journeys.

This is what I have come up with... so far:

1. One aspect of Buddhist philosophy is the belief in the need for DETACHMENT.  Detachment is the letting go of our NEED for something so that you can be in the present moment.  This is an extremely helpful idea.  I talk a lot about focusing your thoughts on what you want for your life and in regards to love, but it is equally as important to be able to let go of the NEED for those things and be present in the now.  The funny thing is that the more you are able to detach from something, the more likely it is to enter your life.

2. The world of psychology has changed a lot from the emergence of Sigmund Freud.  There is a new branch of psychology called Positive Psychology.  Positive Psychology believes that it is okay to attach yourself to the idea of happiness and the ways in which you can maximize your happiness.  One specific concept included in Positive Psychology, as I understand it, is focusing on your strengths and what brings you joy.  A way you can do this is by reviewing daily what you are grateful for in your life.  Actually, in doing this gratitude review you are bringing yourself into the present moment while still maximizing your happiness for the future.

What can we learn from these two seemingly different viewpoints...

It is important to be in the moment!  So, if you are on a path to more fulfillment in your love life, or any part of your life, just remember to stop every once in awhile and be right where you... doing that will actually bring you closer to where you want to go.

Love-Sickness

It's amazing to me how easy it is for people to allow themselves the time to recover from an illness, yet they won't allow themselves that same time, and compassion, as they heal from a "Broken Heart" or even just a "Heartache."

In the moment, whether you are sick from the flu or love-sick, take the time to care for yourself. Love yourself. Give yourself permission to feel the pain, to feel the discomfort, and know that just like the flu, the Love-Sickness will pass. You will again feel healthy, happy, and whole... but it is okay to FEEL whatever it is you feel in the moment.

Remember that "that which we resist... persists."