Out of your whole life give but a moment!

I have loved poetry my whole life.  And, since I have loved LOVE my whole life, it is not surprising that I have always loved LOVE poems.  One of my favorite poems is Robert Browning's Now... it reminds me of all the beauty, intensity, and passion that can be found in a single moment (when you are able to be completely present, when your heart is open and your head doesn't get in the way, when even for just that moment you experience the fullness of life...and love).  

NOW

by Robert Browning (1812-1889)

Out of your whole life give but a moment!

All of your life that has gone before,

All to come after it, -- so you ignore,

So you make perfect the present, condense, 

In a rapture of rage, for perfection's endowment,

Thought and feeling and soul and sense,

Merged in a moment which gives me at last

You around me for once, you beneath me, above me --

Me, sure that, despite of time future, time past, 

This tick of life-time's one moment you love me!

How long such suspension may linger? Ah, sweet,

The moment eternal -- just that and no more --

When ecstasy's utmost we clutch at the core, 

While cheeks burn, arms open, eyes shut, and lips meet!

When you find it... you just know!

Someone asked me recently... how do you know when you have found love and are not just caught up in the excitement around the idea of falling in love?

My answer is quite simple... You just know.

That may sound like a flippant answer, or even a condescending response. On the contrary, it is actually a thoughtful and humble reply. I have contemplated the question at great length and I have decided that it is not something I can describe logically. It has everything to do with personal intuition and is only really understood once it happens. How you know may be different from how I know... or how your best friends know or how your family members know.

The best I can do for an explanation is describe commonalities between my personal experiences and the experiences of my clients and friends....

1. The relationship progresses forward with fluidity... with ease. Even amidst disagreements or the chaotic uncertainty at the beginning of a relationship, still the love unfolds naturally and you are both committed to the continuance of that love.

2. You heart feels full and at peace. You are joyful and grounded, simultaneously.

3. When you close your eyes and picture your future, your partner is standing right beside you. You have certainty, even if you have your insecurities in the newness of a relationship. You have confidence that you are right where you need to be and you will go where you need to go... and your partner will help you get there.

4. Synchronicity. Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events which are causally unrelated occurring together in a supposedly meaningful manner. In other words, meaningful coincidences. When you find love, you start experiencing mysterious coincidences and feel that things are happening or have happened "for a reason."

5. You feel "different" than you have felt in the past. The "different" feeling is for you to interpret and is unique to you. For some, it is more alive, more familiar, more grounded, more real, more intense, warmer, softer, etc. Whatever it is... it is profoundly different than you've felt with anyone else.

So, the best reply that I've come up with to date is... you just know!

Why does it seem that love evades those who may desire it the most?

Rumi says that it is not our jobs to seek for love but to seek and find all the barriers that we have built against it. I could not agree more. Sometimes it may seem like you are doing all the "right" things to find love and you have the purest intentions, but you still keep hitting "dead-ends" and repeating the same patterns. Why might this be happening?

I thought I'd take a moment to offer some perspective on this phenomenon. Why does it seem that love evades those who may desire it the most?

1. The patterns we keep repeating in relationships are clues to where we may be blocked. They are lessons to be learned. Sometimes we get so caught up in the frustration when a pattern presents itself again and again that we forget we have the power to change that pattern. We step into the victim role. Maybe it's that we feel we are always left behind, maybe it's that we feel we never get as much as we give, or that we always end up fighting more than talking...or loving. Whatever the pattern may be... we are never victims. We can change any pattern by acknowledging that we can only control our own mindset, behaviors, words, intention. We are the common denominator in any pattern. So to change the pattern, we must change ourselves... but we must decide to change only for ourselves and to better ourselves...not to please anyone else. When we can take responsibility for our role in any heartbreak or disappointing relationship... that is when we take one giant step forward toward LOVE!

2. Each person we get involved with is helping us prepare for the next relationship. Sometimes we get so disheartened by the loss of one love, or the "failure" of a relationship, we fail to see how helpful that person may have been in propelling us closer to what we really want...an even deeper and more profound love. They may have simply showed us qualities that are not in alignment with what we value in a relationship or they may have been so close to "perfect" that it can actually validate how close we may be to finding our soul mate. Regardless of the lesson learned, it is important to see the beauty along the path and not get so attached to each stepping stone along the way.

3. Profound love is first found within ourselves. Often we are looking for someone else to give us something that we think will make us whole, as if we are not whole without that person or without a relationship in general. We get attached to the idea of something outside of ourselves. Ironically, it is when we let go of the need for someone else's love, while keeping our hearts open to the possibilities, we find the love that may have been evading us. Also, when we fill our hearts with self-love we are able to truly experience a profound love with someone else... and when we accept ourselves and let go of self-judgment we can accept our partner and give and receive unconditional love. It starts with appreciating the little things about ourselves, thanking ourselves, and taking care of ourselves.

Take the time this week to... 1. Look at the patterns that show up in your relationships-- what role do you usually play and how can you change that?; 2. Be grateful for all the loves and love interests that have crossed your path-- How have they added to your life?; and 3. Love yourself--What can you do to show thanks, love, and care for yourself?

You are beautiful, whole, and deserving of all the love in the universe. Remember that.