Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Why does it seem that love evades those who may desire it the most?

Rumi says that it is not our jobs to seek for love but to seek and find all the barriers that we have built against it. I could not agree more. Sometimes it may seem like you are doing all the "right" things to find love and you have the purest intentions, but you still keep hitting "dead-ends" and repeating the same patterns. Why might this be happening?

I thought I'd take a moment to offer some perspective on this phenomenon. Why does it seem that love evades those who may desire it the most?

1. The patterns we keep repeating in relationships are clues to where we may be blocked. They are lessons to be learned. Sometimes we get so caught up in the frustration when a pattern presents itself again and again that we forget we have the power to change that pattern. We step into the victim role. Maybe it's that we feel we are always left behind, maybe it's that we feel we never get as much as we give, or that we always end up fighting more than talking...or loving. Whatever the pattern may be... we are never victims. We can change any pattern by acknowledging that we can only control our own mindset, behaviors, words, intention. We are the common denominator in any pattern. So to change the pattern, we must change ourselves... but we must decide to change only for ourselves and to better ourselves...not to please anyone else. When we can take responsibility for our role in any heartbreak or disappointing relationship... that is when we take one giant step forward toward LOVE!

2. Each person we get involved with is helping us prepare for the next relationship. Sometimes we get so disheartened by the loss of one love, or the "failure" of a relationship, we fail to see how helpful that person may have been in propelling us closer to what we really want...an even deeper and more profound love. They may have simply showed us qualities that are not in alignment with what we value in a relationship or they may have been so close to "perfect" that it can actually validate how close we may be to finding our soul mate. Regardless of the lesson learned, it is important to see the beauty along the path and not get so attached to each stepping stone along the way.

3. Profound love is first found within ourselves. Often we are looking for someone else to give us something that we think will make us whole, as if we are not whole without that person or without a relationship in general. We get attached to the idea of something outside of ourselves. Ironically, it is when we let go of the need for someone else's love, while keeping our hearts open to the possibilities, we find the love that may have been evading us. Also, when we fill our hearts with self-love we are able to truly experience a profound love with someone else... and when we accept ourselves and let go of self-judgment we can accept our partner and give and receive unconditional love. It starts with appreciating the little things about ourselves, thanking ourselves, and taking care of ourselves.

Take the time this week to... 1. Look at the patterns that show up in your relationships-- what role do you usually play and how can you change that?; 2. Be grateful for all the loves and love interests that have crossed your path-- How have they added to your life?; and 3. Love yourself--What can you do to show thanks, love, and care for yourself?

You are beautiful, whole, and deserving of all the love in the universe. Remember that.

1 comment:

Jon Boyes said...

Just want to say thanks for this info as I feel a wonderful new relationship I started a couple of months ago may be coming to its end. Please keep up the encouraging work.